I don't even know why I'm writing this: to vent, I suppose.
You wouldn't think I needed to vent- I live a fairly peaceful, content, life, but... sometimes, something restless- even angry- stirs in me and urges me to change, to action.

I, like most people, I presume, am full of conflicting emotions. One moment I'm depressed about my social introvertedness; the next, I decide I should break off all connections and start anew, other times I think I shouldn't make friends: ever. Then there are the fleeting moments on the other side of the coin: wanting (thinking I could) make and have many friends... times when I even think I'm a goddess of personality. Anyway, I hate to report that I am rarely consistent in these feelings- They are determined by my encounters, in general. I make a new friend and my expectations explode; I watch old ones slipping, aquaintences not turning to friends, and I'm bitter and pessimistic.

I can't even decide how I feel about myself, let alone others... Kinda silly to start with friends when I can't establish self. Sometimes, I can't even make myself leave the house. I'll skip school or work because I don't want people to see me. Granted, that extremity is rare. Normally, I just suck it up, know that I am the way I am due to my own choices, and hope people accept my human, flawed self. I wallow in self-pity: "I'm so overweight, I am so uniformed/ uninteresting..." but while I think these things, I'm eating something, or playing on Facebook... You don't see me on a treadmill or reading Nietzsche thinking those thoughts!

I suppose, even though I'm not in that mindset, I should present the other side of the spectrum: sometimes, I think I'm just the coolest ever. I'll think "I'm unique and cool. I'm intelligent and interesting. I'm out-of-shape, but attractive. I rock, etc." But, it's always weak. It's normally a result of other people sucking so hard. I'll be surrounded by idiots and losers and think, "I should rule you." (Lol, not really, but you get the point.) Someone will flirt with me and I'll be like "Woah- I'm hott!" even though it's probably a guy just looking for a one-night-stand.

I'll think I'm neat, because I'm not a conventional girl- I feel I can hang out with dorky/nerdy/geeky guys (who are the best kind in my opinion) and fit in because I like D&D, video games, comics, etc. But when I am around them, I feel like a wanna-be. I'm not hard-core like they are; I like it, but am not investing enough time into it. Just like with LARPing: I've only done it a few times. It's almost like I'm just aimlessly wandering, groping blindly for acceptance. I'll wear D20 earrings or something and daydream that I could be Scarlett Gardener. Heck, recently I'll go to Galactic Games and then I'll have a mini panic-attack and hide. I'll go there because it's supposed to be a geek-haven, where social pariahs can be with each other and feel like they belong and are accepted. But then there'll be a group of them and I'll get nervous and exclude myself.

I'm also upset at myself for living falsely. I tell myself that things would be a lot better if I would be true to myself. If I wouldn't smile at people I dislike and hide my feelings from people I do... Things I don't even want to write in this semi-confessive journal because the wrong person might read it? Ugh- there's a lot I need to say, but I'm tired... I have work in a couple of hours and I feel like I should be talking to a face, not a computer screen.